Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says “Sorry, boys, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the pieces of string walk out again.

They’re sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says “Hey! I’ve got an idea.”

He starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate’s looking at him and thinks he’s gone completely nuts.

The piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says “Here, you’re not a bit of string, are you?”

The piece of string replies “Nope, frayed knot.”

Davy Jones and his crew have been falling on some hard luck recently. They’ve been plundering and pillaging but haven’t ended up with a lot to show for their efforts. Before setting out on his next expedition he had a dentist appointment, and while at the dentist he happened to mention that he hadn’t been getting a lot of gold recently.

“Well,” said the dentist, “lots of people have gold teeth and gold fillings. Have you thought about checking bodies for gold in their teeth?”

Davy Jones thought this was a great idea, and he and his crew set out. When they reached a village, Davy Jones’ crew went about their plundering and pillaging, while Davy Jones went looking for the local cemetery and spent his time digging up bodies and pulling out their teeth.

When the crew returned to the ship, they had little treasure, but Davy Jones had several bulging sacks of gold. Perplexed, his crew asked how he had met with such success. Jones replied, “Before setting out, I spoke to my dentist, who said to me, ‘Booty is tooth, and tooth booty.’”

When Massachusetts started the state-wide health plan a couple years ago, a patron very similar to the man you describe came in and asked for help signing up online. During the process (and showing a drunk man with no computer experience how to use a government website is definitely a process), he asked me if I had healthcare. I said I get it through the library, and he said I should drop it and get on Mass Health, because he can tell me which doctors will hand out drugs. Nice, thanks.

@Maria: bad jokes always bring people together – got any you can share?

so, yesterday he comes in and is sober, but still worse for wear. he asks for help using the Internet so he can find out about carnivorous plants. i was looking forward to actually being able to help him. realizing it would take his entire 30 minute internet session just to get him logged in and teach him how to use the mouse i suggested we find books. i gave him a few, with lots of photos, and he asked for a magnifier, cause he “got kicked in the head” and can’t see well. sigh.

in the end, he wanted to download “day of the triffids” on the computer so he could watch it. thank god for Youtube – that kept him busy and happy, and he didn’t need to use the mouse…

oh, and the reason he wanted info about carnivorous plants was because he had heard of a “man eating tree” and wanted to be sure to recognize it so he could stay away from it. i told him not to worry but to stay out of the amazon, just to be safe.